8 Reasons He’s Not Initiating Sex

Based on everything you see in the media and hear from your peers, it’s almost assumed that anyone dating is also having sex. Hell, Millennials have gotten (unfairly) pegged as another “free love” generation that has lots of sex without a label attached. But it’s really just not true. Lots of people aren’t sexually active, and just because he hasn’t made a move on you, that it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with him (or with you for that matter). But if sex is important to you, it’s worth bringing up in even-handed and open-minded conversation.

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1. He’s old-fashioned. It’s kind of assumed that if a couple is going to have sex, it’ll probably happen fairly early on into the relationship. Lots of people have a variation on a “three-date rule” that’s almost always in the single digits, but that doesn’t mean it always has to be. He might be an old-fashioned romantic who just wants to wait for the right time, whether that means he’s waiting for a special moment or he just wants to make sure you’re serious. Sure, men often get painted as sex-crazed maniacs who put intercourse above all else, but that’s not the case for everyone. And loving sex isn’t wrong either; it’s just that everyone is going to have a different attitude toward it.

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2. He’s a virgin. It’s entirely possible he still has his V-card and feels bad about it for some reason. He shouldn’t, but since everyone talks and acts like they’re having sex all the time, he might be embarrassed to be fumbling awkwardly with everything from the condom to your lady parts. Or, maybe he’s a virgin open to having sex but doesn’t want to just “lose” it on some drunken second-date fling. Maybe he just wants to save himself for his wife.

3. He’s religious. It’s also possible he’s waiting for marriage for religious purposes. Several religions forbid sex before marriage, and staunch observers of their faiths are going to stick to these rules. This is a decision on his part that should be respected, and if it’s something you have a problem with, that’s a conversation for your partner.

4. He’s scared of rejection. He could really, really want to have sex with you, but he might just be psyching himself out. Maybe he thinks you’re out of his league or he’s going to screw things up, and he’s not confident enough in himself. He might not be a virgin, but he could still be inexperienced.

5. He’s … just not that into sex. He might just have a low sex drive. He might be asexual. Not every guy is super into sex, and he might just be having a good time with you as it is, doing whatever it is you two do. He might show affection and love and appreciation in other ways, and just might not see sex as important. If this is the case and the relationship is great otherwise, you have to decide just how important sex is to you too.

6. He’s got some kind of emotional hang-up. He might have low self-esteem, or a scar, or some kind of post-surgery device that he doesn’t want you to see. Which, if you like him, I can’t imagine would be a big deal to you anyway. It’s not that he should feel this way, but he might. If you’ve got suspicions this is the reason he hasn’t taken off his clothes in front of you yet, make sure to be mindful and careful and understanding.

7. He just sees your “dates” as “hanging out with a friend” and you’re not on the same page. Sometimes people just get their wires completely crossed. Is this likely? No. Is this possible? Yes. If he hasn’t even kissed you yet, let alone torn off your clothes and made passionate love to you, it could just be that he just sees you as a friend and has no idea that you’ve got a romantic interest in him. If that thought is making you cringe so hard your whole body is cramping up, don’t sweat it. It’s fine to ask him where you stand with each other and where he sees things going without making it sound like you assumed you two were dating. And don’t worry, some people just have very general definitions of what a “date” is.

8. One of his friends is into you and he doesn’t want to get too serious yet. So he’s into you, right? But maybe so was one of his friends that was also at the party you two met at. He’s just trying to play his cards right and make sure things are going somewhere before he winds up with his friend mad at him because he had sex with you and then you guys fizzled out right away. Which is either thoughtful or weird, depending on how you see things here. Or, he doesn’t want to tell his friend about you until he knows you’re serious. Maybe he thinks he can let him down easy if you two are madly in love as opposed to telling him you’re casual fuck buddies.

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