When it comes to sex, the internet has pretty much all the porn any woman could ever ask for. But if you’re like me, you may be looking for something to get your rocks off in a totally nonsexual way. Thus, I have created a comprehensive list of things that are probably way likelier to give you an orgasm than sex.
1. Rachel Maddow telling me everything is going to be OK. I need a Rhodes scholar in a blazer to calm me down from the world’s insanity, and Rachel’s just the intersectional feminist to fit the bill.
2. Youths saluting my bangs. It was a very vulnerable decision and I need someone who is pure of heart speaking truth to power.
3. A compilation of men laughing at my jokes and not responding with their opinion. Just an all-climax highlight reel of guys politely listening.
what’s up chicken butt
A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on Jul 30, 2015 at 4:01pm PDT
4. BBW. Big Beautiful Wings. Louisiana dry rub, barbecue, buffalo, it doesn’t matter. Just fresh, undisturbed wings in their natural habitat of my plate.
5. A room full of comfortable bras. If the lingerie don’t fit, you must acquit. But if the bra is just right, well, then let me see that bad boy because I have yet to find one for these fat deposits on my chest.
6. Girl-on-girl compliments. I’m talking “you tell me I look cute, I tell you you look cute” kind of action. This is the future liberals want.
7. Nice eyebrows. That’s right, baby, give me that sweet, sweet arch with some dark, full hair.
8. A fountain of ice coffee. Preferably with cream and sugar and enough caffeine to get me through the work day while not interfering with my nine hours of sleep. (Because the only thing better than coffee is REM cycles, amiright?)
9. Good lighting and a reflective surface with which to look at myself. This is called a mirror. Preferably one that makes me look like Naomi Campbell when I’m feeling like Don King.
10. Idris Elba building an armoire from scratch using his rugged hands and a knowledge of basic woodworking. Need I say more?
11. Checking my phone after not having it all day and actually having notifications. There is no better feeling than turning off my phone off=== for a couple hours and coming back to see that people still want to talk to me, even if it is just my mom.
12. Former President Barack Obama kitesurfing with his pal, Sir Richard Branson. Honestly I just like that they’re friends.
13. Michelle Obama in any dress by any designer because there’s not a silhouette this Princeton graduate can’t obliterate. The Obamas deserve two categories on this list just like they got two terms. I said it.
14. Money. Not, like, a lot of money. But enough money to never have to worry about bills or work or have split ends ever again.
15. More TV and movie characters that reflect how women actually speak and not some dude’s wet dream. We’re not sex robots, we’re human. Women can be wives and moms and daughters and girlfriends and doctors and lawyers and engineers and all of the above or none of the above. Women can be anything. And contrary to popular opinion, we’re never too old to be our true selves (or Leo’s wife, damn it). But we are too old for antiquated gender roles. It’s 2017. Manic pixie dream girls don’t exist but three-dimensional women do!
16. All of these scenarios combined in one hot, steamy reality. Nothing stimulates a gal like her hopes and dreams.
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