13 Things Guys Secretly Want to Do With Your Boobs

Just to be clear, there’s a difference between things we do to your boobs and things we want to do to your boobs. Of course, we love you and everything else you’ve got going on, and we like the stuff we actually do with your boobs, but here are the things we would do if only we had full VIP 24/7 access.

1. Motorboat them. It doesn’t feel good for you and it doesn’t really feel great for us. But we want to do it anyway. It’s like a deep desire that exists in all men.

2. Shout about them from the rooftops. The world needs to know about your boobs.

3. Stare at them … for a really, really long time. Long enough that, even if we’re in a long-term relationship, it would probably make you uncomfortable. Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and just watched your boyfriend sleep and thought about how lucky you are? We want to do that, but to your boobs.

4. Take them in both hands gently and jiggle them. It … it’s mesmerizing.

5. Use them as pillows. Sure, we can rest our weary head on them for a bit when we’re cuddling, but you’ll eventually tell us your boob is falling asleep or something.

6. And then use them to block out the sun during naps. Just lay on our face while we sleep soundly.

7. Press our ear to them and listen to the ocean. You heard me.

8. Treat them like a sexy basketball hoop. We just want to kick back and throw M&M’s into your cleavage because it feels incredibly satisfying. We like boobs, and we like seeing if we can throw things into other things, and this is the point where the two intersect.

9. Grope with wild abandon. We just want to get all up in those boobs without worrying what feels good to do and just explore them like they’re majestic mountains. We just want to squeeze.

10. Hold them forever. If it were socially acceptable to walk around in public and hold our girlfriends’ boobs, we would.

11. Paint them. They are beautiful works of art that deserve to be hanging on the wall of a museum. It’s something he thinks about but will never tell you out loud because it would sound incredibly creepy. Also, he might not ever think about it either.

12. Sculpt them. Partially because, again, they’re works of art, but also because he could turn them into great bookends.

13. Use them as a mold for bowls. He’s firing up his pottery wheel and he’s going to eat cereal out of the shape of your breast. That pottery wheel was expensive, and frankly, he bought it on impulse, and he needs to justify the purchase somehow.

Follow Frank on Twitter.