13 Sex Things Only Married Women Understand

1. You know that sometimes you have unexciting sex and that’s OK because you have approximately 5 million more times to get it right. You know that sometimes sex isn’t always a magical roller coaster ride of puppy dogs riding on unicorns and that’s cool. You don’t obsess over it because you know it’s no biggie. Besides, you guys will just crush it next time because you’re amazing like that.

2. He knows not to push your head down because he does not want to die. That’s just Married Science. He doesn’t want his story to end up on an episode of Law & Order, so he knows not to be a pushy weirdo.

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3. He actually wants you to come first. This should be nos. 1–50, for real. Its importance cannot be overstated.

4. He’ll never make you feel weird about not being ready to try anal. Which in turn makes you feel a lot more chill about trying anal with him. The world works in mysterious ways.

5. He treats your smaller boob with respect. Just because she’s tiny doesn’t mean she is without needs! He knows you have nerve endings in both your breasts and uses his mouth accordingly.

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6. You’ve come to mutual agreements about which positions are just too hard. I’m looking at you, 69. Now that you’re married, you can drop the facade that it’s super fun and sexy to twist yourself into an actual pretzel just to put a dick in your mouth.

7. You know that married people have more sex than most people think. Because you’re living proof that your vagina doesn’t cover itself in cobwebs the second you say “I do.”

8. Your sex life is a varied and splendid thing. Sometimes you’re too tired for sex, but also sometimes you have sex THREE TIMES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON. In your face, comedians who built their entire tired stand-up sets based on the fallacy that married women hate doing it!

9. He’s super chill about period sex. Because he’s an adult human being who understands that you’re an adult human being with bodily functions.

10. You know you don’t have to swing from a trapeze to get him off. And he doesn’t have to spell out the Hungarian alphabet on your clitoris to drive you crazy. Yeah, the tricks are great sometimes, but often just having sex with someone you love is the very best.

11. You know how to deal with his balls. You’ve mastered the art of handling his nuts. You know each one is like a little baby miracle that responds to stimulation in its own way. You are the Master of the Balls. (Well, at least you are the master of his balls. If you get divorced and have to start over, lord help you.)

12. It’s not a total nonstop sexual smorgasbord. Just because you live with someone and sleep in the same bed every night doesn’t mean you’re both always in the mood to get busy. Just like in most relationships (unless you’re the two horniest people alive and then: Mazel!), sex isn’t always on the table. (Sometimes it’s on the floor! Bada bing! Don’t forget to tip your waitress!)

13. You try stuff that’s out of your comfort range but usually come back to the old standards. You’re adventurous because it’s fun (and also you kinda have to be so you don’t die) but usually end up doing the ol’ one-two (you know, whatever that means for you guys) because you both love it and that’s what sex is about, right?

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