When Sartre said, “Hell is other people,” he was specifically referencing sharing a bathroom with another human being. Sharing a bathroom with a man comes with its own unique tortures, there is no denying that. But some of the things men can find when they share a bathroom with women can be …. puzzling.
1. “Why are there so many clothes everywhere?” Here’s a better question: If so many of your clothes are “hand wash only” and you don’t have time to hand wash them, why wouldn’t you buy fewer hand-wash-only items?! This keeps us up at night.
2. ”What does this do?” I’m not entirely sure if this is some kind of beauty care product or a puzzle box that, when solved, opens a portal to hell. Better not touch it just in case.
3. “How many creams does one person need?” The number of salves and ointments can be dizzying. Most guys have one cream that they use to moisturize their face and hands and body. It’s also probably what they use when they masturbate. A guy who’s a little more “high-maintenance” might have three separate kinds of cream. But it seems like women can fill drawers of a bathroom with various moisturizers and pots of oils. It seems like there are more skin-care products than there are parts of the body they could possibly be applied to (even if you had a different cream for say, your left and right elbow respectively).
4. “What the hell happened to this trash can?” From discarded “sheet masks” to makeup remover pads stained an unholy shade of who even knows what, there are … unspeakable things in there. This question is very much rhetorical.
5. “How is every surface wet?” This is just impressive. The sink. The floor. The mirror. The ceiling. It’s like you helicoptered your wet hair in circles after you got out of the shower for no reason other than you could.
6. “Did a stray cat get in here and shed all of its hair and then leave?” There is so much hair. Specifically in the shower. Do you have your stylist secretly climb in the bathroom window and cut your hair in the shower? How does so much hair get all over the walls and down the drain?
7. “What is this substance and will it ever come off the countertop?” What is this black sludge that dried up on the countertop and why did it take an ice pick to get it off? This makeup said waterproof, not bleach-proof.
8. “How many towels does one human being need?” Instead of using three smaller towels, why not just get one giant one and be done with it?
9. “If I somehow got locked in here, at least I could pick my way out.” There’s always a constant supply of bobby pins, so picking the lock would be incredibly easy. It’s nice to feel safe and secure in your own bathroom.
10. “Well, I burned myself on the curling iron again.” Somehow, that thing is always on, and always hot enough to melt flesh. It’s a nice way to wake up during your morning routine if you’re out of coffee though.
11. “What’s in this drawer … a blow dryer — three blow dryers?” Do you turn all of these on at once to save time in the morning? Some people don’t even own a single blow dryer, let alone have an entire drawer full of them. Also what is the giant spiky plate that attaches to it, because if you’re trying to tell me that’s not a sex toy, I do not believe you.
12. OK but your shampoo is very nice though. There’s no denying it’s better than ours, even if we have to go around all day with our hair smelling like “lilac and avocado” or “cinnamon peach” or whatever weird scent combination you bought.
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