11 Reasons to Never Share a Bed

Some things are so great as they are, they should never be messed with. One such thing is: bed. There’s no place better. It’s a big, fluffy surface you get to customize until it suits your needs in every way. It’s a place where only good things happen: sleep, sex, and late-night snacks. So why mess up this perfect location by inviting some other person into it? Sharing a bed might be “romantic,” but being in bed alone is heaven. Here are 11 convincing reasons to never share this sacred space.

1. Can’t sleep in your fave starfish position. Or you could, but then the person in bed with you would have no space and probably get mad. No fun.


2. You could get smooshed up against the wall. If your bed is against a wall, this has happened to you. You wake up in the middle of the night with your face against the hard wall. Why? Because the person in bed with you has decided they, too, want to sleep on your side. There’s nothing less comfy than a wall. Don’t get into this position.

3. They could be a secret cover hog. And you wouldn’t even find out until it’s too late and you’re waking up at 3 a.m. freezing cold. Cover hogs should be required to identify themselves before sharing a bed with someone but life is not fair.

4. There are fewer ~CoLd SpOtS~. There is nothing more blissful than kicking your little legs around under the covers and happening upon a COLD SPOT — a valuable piece of bed real estate that somehow stays nice and cool and perfectly refreshing. With another body under there giving off heat, there are way fewer of these delightful spots. Not worth it.


5. Less room for your dog if there’s another person in there. What’s better than sharing a bed with a person you love? Sharing a bed with a dog you love.

6. Nighttime farts? Nighttime farts! People fart in their sleep, which means that dude you’ve been sharing bed space with farts in his sleep. The only thing hotter than his abs are his nasty AF sleep farts. Where’s the science on why man farts smell so much worse than your own lady farts?

7. No one to judge you for falling asleep watching food videos. All that advice about putting your phone away before bed be damned, your favorite relaxing activity is to watch videos for recipes that are insanely complicated that you will never make. This activity is best done in solitude, where no one can make fun of you for watching 18 different videos about how to make gnocchi from scratch.


8. You can’t trust anyone to not get up in the middle of the night. There is nothing — nothing — worse than being woken up in the middle of a deep sleep because someone had to pee at 4:37 a.m. Don’t bring that risk into bed with you.

9. What if they get horny at 3 a.m.? At first, those fortuitous nights where you both wake up at some odd hour and decide to have sex because hey, why not! are fun and flirty. But eventually, the need for sleep and not being a zombie at work overcomes the desire to have a quickie while everyone is slumbering away. Eliminate this temptation by simply sleeping alone.

10. You’re sick of finding a bunch of little hairs everywhere. Disembodied hair is disgusting, even more so when it’s not yours and is lingering in your bed. Men shed so much, which is all the more reason to make them sleep in their own beds (or on the floor).

11. Too. Damn. Hot. Sleeping with another body in bed is basically the same as sleeping in a sauna made of cotton sheets and quilts. Waking up covered in sweat and with your clothes sticking to you is a hell I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemies.

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