10 Types of Orgasms Every Man Has in His Life

1. The very first orgasm. There are moments that shape a man’s life. For great men like Tony Hawk or Nelson Mandela, those moments set them on a path that would change the course of human history. For other men, it’s the moment they realize they can ejaculate. It’s the instant they decide, “I’m going to focus all of my effort and resources on chasing this for as long as I possibly can” that changes their lives forever. Of course, this decision is made after said man checks to make sure that orgasming didn’t somehow break his penis.

2. The shameful J.O. This is the orgasm, typically done in private, where he came across something so weird in the course of a masturbation session, but still decided to finish to it anyway. Like a pimple popping video or a home renovation tutorial. He double-checks his webcam to make sure he wasn’t accidentally broadcasting. He grabs his phone just in case it accidentally called his parents. He checks over his shoulder to make sure a burglar didn’t happen to climb in just as he finished all over himself. Then he looks at the screen in disgust and wonders what he’s doing with his life.

3. The “wait-it-can-be-that-good??” mind-blowing orgasm. There’s sex and then there’s SEX. It’s a moment of realization that’s probably similar to when people who don’t live in the northeast come over here and eat a bagel for the first time. Sure, whatever round bread with a hole you were eating is technically recognized as a “bagel” but it’s not on the same level. The first great sexual orgasm is eye-opening. Madonna wrote a whole song about it, even. You know, the one where the lyrics are about sex.

4. The “I’m-all-tapped-out” dry orgasm. You can tap a keg and you can tap a ballsack. The first time he realizes that he can orgasm and be out of dick juice is… uh… interesting. It hurts. It feels good. It’s a sign that it’s probably best to take a sex break. Unlike the keg, you can’t just swap balls out and keep going.

5. The mystery splooge. He finished, but the evidence is gone. It’s vanished. It’s somewhere in the room, obviously, but where that “somewhere” is no one can say. Semen is a tricky thing, and sometimes in the throes of passion, no one notices exactly where the penis is pointed and the sperm goes flying off into the dark. Such are the great mysteries of life.

6. The sheer boredom self-hand job. Some of these orgasms are one-and-done type deals. It’s impossible to experience them again. This one, though, is very familiar to any man who self-pleasures with any amount of regularity. There’s about 45 minutes before he’s supposed to go out. It’s not enough time for a movie. He’s scrolled through his phone for hours already. Why not just jerk off to pass the time? It’s simple. It’s fun. Hell, he can do it in almost any circumstance. There’s a black out? Jerk off until the power comes back on. Woke up before everyone else on Christmas morning? Jerk it. Boredom jerks make the time pass.

7. The uphill battle orgasm. For whatever reason (performance anxiety, an injury, whiskey dick) this orgasm was earned. This was a gold-medal-cross-the-finish-line-and-leave-it-all-on-the-field orgasm.

8. The “I can’t believe it!” orgasm. It’s the orgasm that leaves him with a giant grin on his face, usually because he’s crossed something off his sexual bucket list. Maybe it’s because he had a threesome. Or he finally hooked up with his old high school crush years later. It could just be that he’s in awe of how hot you are. Whatever the reason, this is the orgasm that comes after 10 minutes of his inner monologue screaming “OH BOY, OH BOY!” over and over.

9. The mortifying orgasm. There are a lot of reasons for this one. Every guy has the one orgasm they wish they could take back. Maybe they came too fast. Maybe he yelled something really embarrassing right as he finished. Maybe you had talked about him giving you a facial but instead he got semen all over your grandma’s hand-knit blanket. This replays in his head over and over, and it will haunt him for life.

10. The orgasm that makes you late for work. It’s the orgasm where he knows he shouldn’t be doing it and he’s cutting it close. Then, at some point during the sex (or, let’s be honest, masturbation), he moves from “behind schedule” to “late.” And that’s when he might as well cut his losses and finish this off, because there’s no sense in being late and not orgasming.

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