1. Bras are hand-wash-only and that’s why they are all over the bathroom. Don’t put her bras in the washing machine without consent. Ever. It doesn’t matter how many of them are all over the floor of the bathroom or in the sink (???). Or the hallway. It doesn’t matter if we’re wading knee-deep across the living room through dirty bras. Those things are hand-wash-only, and apparently she will be taking care of them “pretty soon.”
2. “Unromantic” gifts can sometimes be even more romantic. Sure, jewelry is nice. But a towel warmer is the gift that keeps on giving. Especially on a cold winter’s morning, so she will finally get out of bed and shower without making you late for work, because somehow she always has dibs on using the bathroom first.
3. Don’t ask questions whenever you walk into the bathroom and your partner is wearing any kind of mask. Here are the facts: The sight of it will almost certainly be shocking to the senses. It was probably expensive. The word “sheet mask” was thrown around but honestly, it’s just giving off Hannibal Lector vibes. Afterward, we need to make sure to mention that your skin looks good.
4. We shouldn’t ask questions when you are running late. It doesn’t matter if you are running late to a damn Being On Time Festival. The reason you’re late is probably not worth it but it’s definitely not worth the argument.
5. We don’t need anywhere near as many drawers for our stuff as you do. Or at least, that is what you will convincingly argue. Give her the drawers. Throw away what you don’t have room for or burn it or something. It’s gone now. It doesn’t matter.
6. Don’t fucking talk about periods. It doesn’t matter how “sure” we are that our partner is on edge because she’s menstruating. Or gassy. Or bloated. Just leave it alone. We should just listen and agree to anything our partner says about their period. The odds that we’ll accidentally say something wildly offensive about periods is just too great.
7. The couple that binge-watches together stays together. Your shows are sacred. If either partner watches a show without the other present, that is a breach of trust. It is punishable by relinquishing control of the Netflix queue for a week or more.
8. Never eat the last of the good food. If you’ve got some quality snacks in the cupboard, make sure you’re not the one to finish them off. This is just a smart diplomatic maneuver.
9. She will require multiple blankets. The more blankets you have, the less likely it is that she will steal all of them while you sleep, or that you will steal all of them and your partner will be mad at you the next morning.
10. There’s really no need to comment on her makeup. Because she’s not putting it on for you, anyway. Just observe, enjoy, and let her have fun with it because she knows you have no damn clue what the difference between contouring and highlighting is.
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